SURVIVAL GUIDE

(Secrets of the Universally Recognized Volunteers Intently Vying to Astonish Locals with Guile Utilized that Intensifies Desired Effect)
A handbook to easily solve issues that arise from living a Volunteer’s life
A way to fill up blog space during a semi-dry writing spell

Health:

  • If you don’t want to go through the trouble of buying food in town or toting water from up the hill, then don’t – if you’re in Peace Corps you’re probably a hippie and can therefore get all the energy you need from watching a sunset and feeding off of people’s auras.
  • Ignore all bites and infected-looking areas in an attempt to build up immunity to the local flora and fauna. It would benefit you to roll around in the grass and gain exposure to the various flavours of arthropods and chordates.
  • If you have a cold and can’t stop sneezing, take a couple laxatives – then you’ll be afraid to sneeze.
  • A seemingly ladies’ problem only: to avoid gaining the Peace Corps Ten, immediately throw any food received from the U.S. into your friendly neighborhood snake pit guarded by wild dogs. But, let’s be honest, even that won’t keep you away.

Safety:

  • Avoid being in close quarters with black widow spiders by leaving the pit latrine door wide open so that anyone can see if you’ve become distressed and need help.
  • To discourage break-ins, keep your valuables outside at all times. And in case the burglars still find their way in, it’s probably best to sleep outside too.
  • Tired of fielding marriage proposals? Then start giving them. That’ll teach ‘em.
  • You need only two items to make your hut successful: Doom bug spray and cooking oil. If it’s moving and you’d rather it didn’t, Doom it (e.g. black mambas). If it isn’t moving and you’d rather it did, combat with oil (e.g. bowels).
  • Avoid cutting yourself while chopping vegetables by getting someone else to hold them.

Cleanliness:

  • Spreading rubbish around your host family’s homestead will insure that your own disheveled house looks tidy by comparison.
  • Toss out your tap’s unfiltered brown water at the same time your family discards their bathing water – the products look astonishingly similar and your kin will be none the wiser that you didn’t bathe.
  • Revel in your greasy tresses. It’s guaranteed that a community member will comment on how beautiful your hair is and ask if you just came from the salon. (Not even joking with this one)
  • No need to wash off that one splotch of muck – simply cake the rest of yourself in dirt to gain a lovely bronzed skin tone and increased sun protection.
  • You’re too poor to buy spices, so washing your pots and pans is actually damaging to the potential of your dishes. Leave unwashed to add flavour to your food while creating a game of wonder-what-that-was when you encounter a zesty explosion.

Entertainment:

  • Count how many candles you can watch burn all the way down before looking away.
  • See how many zebras you can agitate into chasing you. One point per zebra; five points per personally-sustained injury.
  • Play What’s The Full Capacity of My Pee Bucket? Advanced: spice it up by seeing how slowly you can fill it. Try to beat your high score and remember: dehydration is key.
  • How long can you have a conversation in the native language? Instant triumph if you exceed five seconds.
  • Compete with other PCVs by calculating your daily health score based on item intake of the local diet: Carbohydrate/Starch (5 points), Sugar/Fat (5 points), Soda (4 points), Processed protein (2 points), Fruit (1 point), Vegetables (0.5 points), Water (0 points), Exercise (-5 points). Highest score wins.
  • Compose a silly blog post about a survival guide and then see how many people that read it come back for next week’s. Implore them to do so by stating that it will be all about what you’re doing during your second year at the primary school.
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